Crossing Thresholds That Can't Be Uncrossed
Last words here...with love.
Life is full of thresholds. Visible and invisible. But it’s the invisible thresholds, I’ve found, that are the most treacherous. For the crossing of them begins unaware, in the regions of the subconscious—the soul. Once this happens, there is no turning back. Which is, perhaps, by design. For if we knew what was coming, we may never cross.
Last summer, when I finished recording the audio version of my second book, Down from the Mountain, I sprawled on the floor in my makeshift blanket-fort studio in a moment of profound relief and joy. After working for five years to bring this book into form, I was looking forward to taking off in flight. Instead, I felt the ground open and pull me into a new and unnameable reality from which there would be no return.
My life happens in opposites. Whatever I think should be happening, soul alignment almost always pulls me opposite of that.
I would even go so far as to say this is the litmus test for finding soul alignment: the opposite of conditioned thought.
I thought my online work would open up even more after publishing my second book, but the threshold doesn’t lie. I’ve been pulled slowly, and, it seems, definitively away from my work online. First went Instagram. Then my podcast. Then my beloved Twitter (X) where I’ve written and connected for the past 17 years. Hesitant to let everything go at once, I welcomed the newness of writing here on Substack, until it began closing in on me too.
The message is clear. This is not where I’m supposed to be right now. I say “supposed to” not in the sense of conditioned thought or expectations, but in the sense of keenly perceiving what is, with which I must get on board, for a part of me is already there. Once I sense it, why would I defy the soul? As terrifying as its pull into the unknown can be, I’ve made my whole life on the wing of this fall.
A Terence McKenna quote comes to mind:
“This is how the magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it’s a feather bed.”1
Is this my concession speech? A sweet surrender? Final words as I continue hurling through the abyss, welcoming what comes, even though it’s opposite of what I think should be happening? This is the pattern of my life.
Many years ago I wrote in my journal:
Maybe you keep finding yourself in the unknown because the unknown is the only thing big enough to hold you.
Some things keep being true.
Not that this is an easy way to live. But the hard of it doesn’t drag me into its gaping maw like it used to. After years of practice, I have a taste for it. A strength for it. It’s like building a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it becomes.
I don’t know where I’m going from here. But I have some suspicions, some golden glimpses. It’s been a year since I began crossing this strange threshold, and I’ve gathered a few clues since then.
This is, after all, how navigating the unknown works:
Follow the clues.
Challenge your assumptions.
Let the magic happen.
Most importantly, feed on and cultivate beauty. Lots and lots of beauty.
And, I must admit, my mundane life is full of unspeakable beauty. Having survived the decades of terrible alchemy it took to get to my core, I’m simply living my life now, deliriously grateful that I get to.
I wish to say thank you, friends old and new. Thank you for reading. For being here with me for a time. Sometimes I wish I had more, but sincerely, I have nothing to offer anyone but my own mystery. So, here it is. Here I am. With love.
If you’d like to stay connected, the best way to do so is by getting on the email list I keep through my website. If I have anything new to share over the coming months or years, you’ll be the first to know.
In the meantime, I’ve published two books and a podcast all about alchemy and the soul—my trail of breadcrumbs through the dark and winding forest, upon which the sun also shines.
Yours in sacred magic, madness, and soul,
McCall
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